untitled post of shame

I almost re-blogged Taylor Swift’s tumblr post today. I decided against it. I have no idea why. Maybe it would have been funny, but probably not in the way I would have intended. “Oh look, is he re-posting Taylor Swift to be funny? Ironic? Is he making a statement about the banality of social media and the state of the internet?” No, it wouldn’t have been any of those things. She starts off the video saying, “Hey guys, it’s Taylor…” or something like that. I found that funny because everyone knows who the fuck Taylor Swift is, even if you don’t really know dick about her. I know who the fuck Taylor Swift is. Though it’s not because I’m a fan of hers, but rather because she’s everywhere. She’s like Justin Bieber, though less easy to make fun of. She’s popular, yet boring. She’s a great role model for young girls because she’s cute, yet charmingly asexual. I don’t believe we should continue to shield our children from sex, but at least Swift gives them a role model whose not dripping with sexual juices. She’s like a perpetual teenager despite being 24 years old. She’s successfully doing everything Brittany Spears failed to do. I assume she has every boyfriend sign a goddamn confidentiality agreement. Am I still writing about Taylor Fucking Swift???

I suppose I mention her because of something I am noticing in myself. I’ve been seeing an acceptance growing. I used to scoff at the absurdity of videos exactly like the one she posted. I’m more okay with it than I used to be. I like seeing other people’s enthusiasm for things, regardless of how pointless. Well, “like” may be a strong word. I suppose I find them more interesting than I used to. In his podcast, Penn Jillette often speaks of his love to hear people proselytize. I’m finding I do more and more as well. I have to say, though, that it depends if those beliefs aren’t incredibly ignorant, racist, full of bigotry, etc. Those kinds beliefs can be interesting to hear, yet incredibly frustrating at the same time. The sad and frustrating part is that usually the people who hold them are immovable in those horrible beliefs. At least Taylor Swift is only talking about how much she likes Tumblr. Horaaaaaaay. I just want her to post one video where she says “I miss John Mayer’s cock sometimes.” That would be amazing.



So in case anyone missed it, it’s Halloween. It’s the most important thing on the planet right now because I’ve seen zero coverage of anything else. The world must be at peace right now. I’m sitting here while “Today” with Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb airs in the background. We’re ten minutes into a bit at the moment where they’re doing their show as Wayne and Garth from Wayne’s World. It is literally blanking out my brain. I understand that any television after 7 or 8am is considered daytime TV anymore. I get it. These shows are trying to appeal to stay-at-home moms. Our culture is more about what people claim to want, and not about what they need to hear. What we need in in-depth reporting on important issues. What we get is a gloss-over before 7 or 8am. We’re shown afterward are stories about fall fashion and coffee enemas. I reminisce to the days where Katie Couric got a colon screening on live television. Am I joking right now? Tweet or comment with the hashtag #Katiescolon and tell me what you think!



TL;DR: If you’re left thinking, “What the fuck was that blog post about?” don’t worry. So am I.

STL;DR: Taylor Swift digs anal… screenings for cancer, because colon cancer is no laughing matter.

IHTASOAN; DR: I just mentioned Taylor Swift, (multiple times), and Justin Bieber in my blog. What the fuck is going on?? Maybe once the sterilization effect of this shitty shitty daytime television wears off I’ll write about something more meaningful. I owe everyone a fucking book after missing yesterday and the abortion-worthy entry of today.

"I have a pretty little colon!" - Katie Couric

a post that theoretically blows loads everywhere, or literally

I’m not a great writer. When it comes to really complex and creative writing I can get what I want to say across, but it’s nothing close to award winning. Hopefully the daily writing of this blog will assist with that over time. Despite whichever skills I lack with a pen, I make up for in my ability to recognize lazy/terrible writing. I’ve always had a knack for reading a sentence and knowing instantly when it doesn’t work. Having said that, this blog is doomed. Not really. Like an ingrown ball-hair, or like mild case of herpes, or like a joke that clearly isn’t working, this blog will probably linger on.




This past week the trailer for the next installment of The Avengers was released, Age of Ultron. The writer/director is Joss Whedon. Joss, from my understanding, is one of the only third-generation writers working the the business today. His grandfather wrote for television. His father wrote for television, (the Golden Girls, among others). So naturally Joss writes for movies and television, and we are all extremely grateful for this. I really wish this guy would write a book about how to write, because the few quotes I’ve read from him say more to me about writing than any college course I’ve ever taken.

Of course I’ll probably screw the following Joss Whedon info up in one way or another, (like pretty-much every subject on this blog), but here goes. When talking about the Golden Girls, his father taught him that for every spoken joke on the show there were always three follow-up jokes. These took the form of the reactions from the other women in the group. This taught me that jokes aren’t just about the punchline, but the reactions to those punch lines. This is probably well known, but fuck if I knew that. Whedon is also very well known for killing off much-beloved characters, (R.I.P. Wash). He loves to make things dark, and he loves to make things funny. He likes to take movie clichés and turn them upside-down. “I’m going to show you something beautiful, everyone screaming for mercy. You want to protect the world, but you don’t want it to change. You’re all puppets tangled in strings.” That is a quote from Ultron in the upcoming Avengers movie, and it’s fucking poetry! Well, poetry for a goddamn nerdy jackass like myself. Of course I’m far from the only person painting my living-room ceiling in a juicy nerdgasm. Just mention the series “Firefly” in proper company and someone will inevitably shoot in your eye. The upside is you’d be in a room full of glasses-wearing geeks. Whedon-splooge activate! Alright, I think I hit my semen joke quota for this blog post.

For every beautifully written story or script, there are dozens of bland and uninteresting pieces. For every single masterpiece, there is a pile dogshit. This next example isn’t quite that bad, but it’s bad. I’m talking about the game Destiny. Why not use an example that almost everyone could relate to you ask? Well, I chose this because apparently my goal is to alienate as many readers as possible. All five of them. I like to live dangerously. I decided to mention Destiny because I’m spending a large amount of time playing the game. I also chose to mention it because the writing is so bad, and a lot of the voice-acting is terrible. The voice-actors aren't nobodies either. Almost the whole cast of Firefly reads for the game. Lance Reddick lends his voice to the project. Peter Dinklage has a starring role!

Now I don’t blame the actors completely for the bad voice-acting. Sometimes a horrible script cannot be saved even by the most oscar-winning actors, (still some of these actors really dropped the ball). This game cost 500 million dollars to make, and they skimped on the writing. The lead writer left the project, allegedly because of some shenanigans on the part of the developer. It shows. The story is riddled with vague mentions to “the darkness” and how the good guys were “forged in light.” There is literally a cutscene in the game where a character called “the speaker”(voice by Bill Nighy), responds to a question of what happened in the past with how he “could” tell you about it, but doesn’t. I recommend doing a quick internet search for bad lines from Destiny. You might get a laugh or two. If anything it would give you a much needed break from all that tentacle porn you’ve been looking up.

So I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the prosecution of a Pennsylvania teen a few weeks ago. I only recently heard about the follow-up to the story, otherwise I would have mentioned it sooner. The story was about a teen from Bedford, Pa. Before I go on, here is a photo of the victim.




I don’t know about you, but bad things come to mind when I see this pose. Now whether you think Jesus is preparing to receive forgiveness or a blessing, (from himself), this particular teen thought he was preparing to receive something else:



Is that what you were thinking? It’s totally what I was thinking. One thing that is great about this country, (or was), is the ability to say or think different things. We call it freedom of speech, and speech is not simply the words that come out of your mouth. Silent protests are a form of speech. A painting hanging in an art gallery can be considered speech. A teen simulating fellatio with a concrete likeness of Jesus Christ is a form of speech, (though the message may be distasteful to some). To this blogger, this particular message is hilarious. To a particular prosecutor in Bedford, Pa., the message is criminal. Let that sink in for a second. A teenager humping a statue is a criminal offense. What the fuck is wrong with some people.

Unsurprisingly, three Atheist groups came out in support of the teen once news broke of the charges. These groups were American Atheists, Pennsylvania Nonbelievers, and Truth Wins Out. This may not be surprising, though there was never any allusions about the teen’s religious beliefs. These groups were simply protesting the violation of the teen’s rights. It should also be noted that the church who owns the statue did not want the teen prosecuted for the act. No damage was done, and they were against punishing him. Clearly this is something the parents can deal with, and not the government. This didn’t matter. The jackass prosecutor, Bill Higgins, thought differently and prosecuted the teen. What a piece of shit. I’d make another semen joke here, but it might come off as a bit high-brow considering the subject.

TL;DR: Terrible writing sucks. Joss Whedon inspires boners in dorky men the world over. Sticking your penis close to statues of Jesus is criminal, even if Jesus was clearly asking for it. Did you see what he was wearing?! *cough* slut! *couch*

STL;DR: Has this joke gotten old yet?

IHTASOAN; DR: Semen.

"Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of god, tell a joke."
-Joss Whedon

Is it just me, or does censoring the photo make it way worse?

my sacred cow can beat up your dad

There are some lines out there that some people just can’t seem to cross. Not only that, they can be lines that some refuse to even look beyond. I encounter those lines on an almost daily basis, though 99 percent of them take the form of stupid facebook posts. Most of them I let go by, rarely offering a challenge. This has become even more true lately. I just don’t have the fucking energy when it comes to most things anymore. There are a few subjects I still won’t hesitate to speak up about, (GMOs and vaccines of course), but at what point do you throw in the towel? I often encounter a ridiculous amount of push-back on the most inane subjects, (lemon water anyone?). This happened yesterday for example while helping my in-laws move.



Okay, the push-back wasn’t ridiculous in this case, but it makes for an interesting example. While walking to my wife’s stepfather’s car, a buddy of mine commented on the key-fob. He asked me if I had heard of the trick where you can place the fob next to your head and it increases the signal range. I replied that I had heard it, and that it was a myth. He said it wasn’t a myth. He had watched the show Top Gear where they proved the myth was true! I pointed out that it was a tv show, and that Top Gear has been accused of fudging some information in the past. He completely conceded that point, though clearly he refused to believe the key-fob head trick didn’t actually work.

The reason I claimed this trick to be false was because of an experiment conducted on The Skeptic’s Guide. I admit that this podcast can play a bit of a sacred cowery role for me, (I like to make up words), but when your source debunks myths and rumors as part of their job you tend be defaulting to the more honest side of the argument. I wasn’t citing “Bob’s Blog of Bitches and Beer” as the source for my information, (though I definitely want to visit that totally made-up site now). I was citing a source that conducted an experiment on an audio-only podcast. They’re not in it to make things flashy and fun. They do not create a weekly podcast to sell shit. They publish a weekly audio-only internet show to promote science, skepticism, and critical thinking. Forgive me if I take their word over the tv show who likes to drive fast cars. Evan Bernstein was the man who conducted the experiment, and he found that holding the key-fob up to your head was no more successful at unlocking the car from various distances than holding the key-fob high in the air. He conducted the experiment from multiple distances and heights, including from atop a ladder. His conclusion was that it was the height which determined the performance of the fob, not some weird amplification/reflecting of the signal through your skull or the water in your head. My friend wasn’t having it. He claimed this trick worked personally for him and that he “believed it.” Now he may have said that jokingly. He may have fully recognized he was drawing a line in the sand, but I knew he still believed it genuinely. Perhaps the seed of doubt I threw into the mix may germinate at some point. Who knows. But this situation among others really makes me wonder why people will take such a strong stance on things that mean nothing.

I was listening to an episode of Penn’s Sunday School earlier where he was interviewing James Randi. James Randi, (or the amazing Randi as he’s also known), has dedicated his life to spreading truth. On Penn’s show, both Randi and Penn were recalling a project they worked on several years ago with several people, one of whom was Andy Warhol. Penn recounted an extremely civilized argument between Randi and Warhol about Warhol’s use of healing crystals. Andy Warhol was sick at the time and kept no secrets about feeling poorly. In Penn’s story, Randi pleaded with Warhol to seek genuine medical treatment. He tried to tell Warhol how crystals would not heal or protect him. He said that even if Andy Warhol didn’t want to stop believing in magic crystals that he should at least seek proper medical attention in addition to whatever crystal therapy he was employing. Inevitably Warhol shut down as many people do when their beliefs are challenged. I guess it’s hard to admit when your sacred cow has a prion disease. He was dead a few weeks later.

I suppose the biggest question in my head is the same question many people who believe in this shit ask. What’s the harm? What’s so harmful about people believing in ghosts or psychics and healing crystals. The answer is obvious to me now, though it wasn’t always. Ask Andy Warhol or Steve Jobs what the harm is in believing in some kooky naturalistic/holistic therapy. Oh wait, you can’t because they’re dead. Who knows exactly about Warhol, (someone probably does), but it is pretty well known that Steve Jobs would probably still be alive if he chose proper medical treatment early on. When I ask what the harm is, I’m asking what is the harm in keeping your mind open to the conventional. Isn’t that why the conventional treatments are conventional? These things are popular and not “alternative” because they are the most effective. If crystals or gross smoothies or coconut oil where the best treatments, wouldn’t actual doctors prescribe them? Why was seeking proper medical treatment so taboo to Warhol? Why did Steve Jobs not undergo the statistically and highly effective treatment first? I would understand resorting to drinking puke-green smoothies of kale and butt-cheese if modern medicine had failed you. But what was the harm in getting checked out? What was the harm in getting a doctor’s medical opinion and not using that treatment as your first option? Why refuse to believe that your key-fob might not reflecting signals through your fat head? I could make several guesses as to why, but I don’t have time for that. I have to go take my dick-lengthening pill.

TL;DR: I asked a question. Maybe two.

STL;DR: Me. Question. Ask.

IHTASOAN; DR: My penis has never been longer! If I forget the hose-reel I just throw it over my shoulder anymore while I grocery shop. Don’t worry, I have a “Therapy Penis” vest for it. I wouldn’t want some jackass telling me this is a penis-free grocery store, playground, or restaurant. He helps me with my PTSD motherfucker!

Rampant STDs hosted by Vani Hari

Vani Hari is a terrible person. I would be quite curious to find out how many people actually know who she is and care about what she says. I’m talking real numbers. I’m guessing it’s more than I think, but I hope it’s much less. The Food Babe, to me, is akin to an sexually transmitted disease. Her message and ideas are spread socially. Vani Hari has demonstrated quite effectively that one can spread diseases of the mind through our computer screens. Unfortunately doesn’t give us the satisfaction of at least seeing a pair of boobs breasts first.

I came across a blog post recently which eloquently and effectively explains everything this woman about, and who she is: Link



The man on the right is the author of the blog I linked to. If you can put aside the slightly self-serving appearance this has, the comparison made is pretty comical. I won’t attempt to restate what the author of that blog post says about Vani Hari. His statements, in my opinion, are pretty awesome on their own. However, for those of you who aren’t as familiar and are just looking for the cliff notes, I’ll offer my best summation.

Vani Hari, a.k.a. The Food Babe, is a blogger. This in of itself isn’t a bad thing. She has ideas and passions and the urge to spread these views to the masses. Again, this is fine. I’d have be a bigger hypocrite than I am to condemn this through a blog of my own. I’m currently doing that exact same thing. The difference is that Vani Hari completely veers off course when she purports to know and write about things she has absolutely no understanding of. This woman doesn’t have a basic understanding of science. She has the mild proficiency required to type things into a search engine on the internet, and that’s it, (and she even fucks that up). Oh, and she can also read stuff. Vani Hari can read the ingredients on a package of food. She then types the individual chemical names into a search engine and is subsequently horrified by the results. Remember that whole Subway yoga mat story you heard about in the news? That was The Food Babe at work. She found some chemical name in their bread’s ingredient list, looked it up online, then proceeded to attack the use of it in the food. Her arguments are criminally uninformed and laboriously fallacious at best. She ignores the science and the facts opting for her own personal narrative. This would be harmless if not for the drones of followers she commands, (which she claims number in the millions).

Here is where things have gotten dangerous in my opinion. Hari claims that this chemical, which is also used to make yoga mats spongier, is toxic and petitioned Subway to remove it from their bread. She cited stories of workers exposed to the chemical who later suffered long-term health effects, or an instance where it was spilled on a highway causing a significant hazmat situation. She used this information to justify her attacks. She takes the information she finds and fails to put it in any sort of context. Those factory workers were exposed to excessive amount of the chemical. Anything is toxic in excessive amounts. Table salt, which is necessary for life, is toxic in large amounts. Hari completely and continuously fails in having a basic understanding of the things she condemns. What is worse is that Subway completely caved to her attacks. They removed an otherwise completely harmless chemical from their bread. They also established a horrific standard.

So how can such a horribly ignorant, self-centered and self-aggrandizing human being hit such heights. How has she reached this level of influence? Haven’t we grown up watching TV shows and movie villains with the similar qualities fail? What kind of fucked-up bizarro world do we live in where large groups of people listen to the uninformed voices in lieu of the highly educated ones? I suppose these are questions for a psychologist or sociologist. I’d bet money that they would go into something about the endocrine system in our bodies. Pleasure hormones probably get released into our brains for each stupid repost we make. Similar to eating ice-cream and having orgasms, some people just get addicted to bullshit. Though I can’t say I have any idea how it happens in this case, because The Food Babe completely kills my intellectual boner.

This phenomena illustrates the extreme importance of critical thinking. The ability to take a step back. The capacity to approach everyday life and examine the things you see and hear and read. Some people do this naturally. Unfortunately I feel this does not get taught or emphasized nearly to the extent that it should. We all start this way naturally as children, constantly asking why things are the way they are. Unfortunately it often gets beaten out of us. We’re often told the way things are and what to believe. We’re told certain things are etched in stone and to stop asking questions. I’ve often felt my development as an adult and a human being was hindered because of this. Fortunately in the case of The Food Rapist, there has been some recent light at the end of the tunnel. Her recent attacks on Starbucks’ pumpkin spiced lattes have been essentially shut down by the company. She claims the chemicals used in the lattes are “toxic” and demanded Starbucks remove the offending chemical(s) and switch to organic milk for use their coffee. Starbucks responded, essentially telling Vani Hari to “fuck-off.” They told her that people can voice their opinions with their wallets. If their paying customers demand change through the boycott of their products, then, and only then, would they consider changes. We are Starbucks suck our dicks!

TL;DR: Social media has given everyone a voice, and some of those voices have terrible things to say. Worse yet, millions of people are choosing to follow those voices like lost puppies.

STL; DR: The Food Babe is raping our food. She’s making it more expensive, less delicious, and no more safe. I made some of that up. The point is she is doing horrible things and accomplishing nothing.

IHTASOAN; DR: I CAN SAY WORDS ON INTERNET!!  BLEEECH!!!

when everyone has herpes, it's like no one has herpes

I'm not sure how the title of today's blog post relates to anything I want to write about, which is not unlike most days. In fact, when I came up with yesterday's blog title I decided to look up what the hell Naughty By Nature meant by "O.P.P." The song came out when I was in middle school. Despite the song being almost 25 years old now, it still somehow manages to be one of the first acronyms that comes to my mind in basically every situation for me. It's also an acronym that I've never bothered to look up the meaning. Let me tell you, it does not stand for "Other People's Property" like middle-school me was told.

I suppose that today's title, like all of them, does have some obscure link to the subject when I think about it. That is often how my brain works. I'm thinking about something specific, and before I know it my brain links whatever that specific thing is to something seemingly completely off topic. Last night I saw this appear on my feed:



To me, this is very compelling. It sums up the mindset that has been prevalent in our society for years. It is representative of the magical thinking that so many people subscribe to unwittingly in their everyday lives. Psychics? Sure, that can be a thing. Unregulated herbal supplements curing everything from excess belly fat to my waning metabolism? Sign me up. Big Foot? Why not! The thought processes portrayed in the image collectively illustrate a larger ethos. An ethos that is very persistent and susceptible to flare-ups, just like herpes. (I either completely pulled that out of my ass, or my brain is way smarter than I am.)

Years ago I was a card-carrying member of the bandwagon. I believed in ghosts and aliens and psychics. When I was younger, I was often a bit paranoid about making fun of people in my head for fear they were some covert psychic. It's obvious good practice in general to not think bad of complete strangers, but I was genuinely afraid that they might be able to read my shitty thoughts about them. Thanks Hollywood! I also did school projects on Aliens and Astrology. I have an embarrassing amount of terrible information floating around in my head on these subjects. Perhaps I was a very impressionable teen. Today I am still an often easily impressionable adult, particularly when it comes to those few people I admire and respect. I've made a part-time job often giving people the benefit of the doubt, even when I have no real reason to give it to them.

To be fair, I think most of the specific ideas represented in the above image are dismissed by most people. However, I also believe that most people would not condemn them either. I'm not saying they should buy the t-shirt or join the picket line, but I feel they should really recognize that these ideas have no supporting evidence whatsoever. We like to default to the idea of "keeping an open mind." I believe people think that if they outwardly denounce the deplorable psychic profession, they think they would not be allowed to embrace it later if the science actually began to back it up, (it won't). If cancer is cured tomorrow by an overpriced supplement, I think you would see every doctor on the planet suiting up for the party.

Unfortunately the truth can be a bit grim, particularly to those who are suffering. Cancer sucks, and when modern medicine fails the snake-oil salesmen swoop in. After the life-savings is drained and the inevitable happens, the psychic comes to the rescue to reconnect you with the recently departed while you connect them with your second-mortgage. Millions of dollars are wasted by the time anyone realizes they've been had, and lobbying governments against outlawing these deplorable practices becomes chump-change. This is why we refer to psychics as "grief-vampires." Then again, maybe your recently departed mother is speaking to someone from beyond the grave, only she can't remember her name. It starts with an "M." Maybe it's "Mary" or "Melissa", or "Mudflap." In reality, I think it's much more likely that John Edwards is the biggest douche in the universe.

The overall thought processes that allow these types of ideas to persist is only becoming more prevalent. It's really no wonder when we have quackery in the form of Dr. Oz consumed by millions of people daily. It's no surprise when we've allowed the politicization of scientific facts, or when we allow personal opinions and ideas to be passed off as facts and then televise them to audiences of millions. This editorial show on my favorite news network told me I am being lied to by the government about climate change. I have no reason to believe this non-expert on the subject but damn it, I will. Hey look, they have a scientist on to debunk it! Who cares if he's being paid by Exxon, they're a job creator! Even though I personally have no financial stake in the debate, I'll side with commentator and the hack-scientist because fuck those liberals! I fully recognize that I illustrated my point ages ago, and that the above is a bit of a straw-man argument, but I have a nonexistent word quota to meet.

Anyway, I'm sure it's obvious that this blog has its feet pretty decently planted, it just doesn't know exactly which direction to face. My voice is strong. It has the will and determination of a 10-year-old girl with gum in her hair. Don't you dare suggest we just "cut it out!" The things you own end up owning you. I'm tightening my belt by one loop so I don't have to feel the hunger pains. I am nice man with happy feelings, all of the time! Now excuse me, I always start drinking at noon on my day off. You don't get to interrupt that.

TL;DR: Stop believing stupid shit based on no actual evidence whatsoever.

STL;DR: Seriously, staaaph.

IHTASOAN; DR: I have no idea why I decided to end each blog post this way. I can't decide if I like it, or if it is actively contributing to my ball pain. On a side note, while sitting here writing this my lamp magically turned itself on. Now that is either the shittiest ghost story you've ever heard, or my fucking lamp, like many, has a piece of shit switch that often malfunctions. To recap my options are "ghost", or "shitty on/off switch." Like many people, I'm going with ghost.

Are GMOs down with OPP?

Anyone that knows me, even as a vague Facebook friend they haven’t spoken to in years, probably has a pretty solid understanding of my opinions on two specific subjects, (most-likely against their will). Those two subjects are vaccines, and GMOs. In fact, it’s surprising that my first two posts to this blog didn’t mention either of those subjects. I’ve often been not quoted ever as saying that it is time to buy stock in the anti-GMO movement, because that puppy is ramping up. The GMO debate is 2008, while the anti-vaccine movement is 2000-late. Now that I’ve worked that horrible sentence into my blog, it’s time to move on.

Upon logging onto Facebook this morning, I was greeted pretty quickly by a story out of Los Angeles. The L.A. Times story is titled “L.A. council is considering ban on genetically modified crops.”(link: http://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-gmo-ban-20141021-story.html). The story itself is mildly informative at best, though I’m not sure what I expected from an online news article. Wait, I know exactly what I expect from a news organization. I expect a news organization to give me the facts and not just tell me what the debate is with quotes or sound bytes from both sides. Stories on scientific topics have no place for misinformed and uneducated opinions. News organizations have gone in the wrong direction over the years. They’re too concerned with giving the public exactly what they say they want, even if they clearly don’t know what that is. News organizations used to tell people what the news was. Now, like distressed boyfriends or girlfriends desperate to save a dying relationship, news outlets try to give the public everything under the sun. Please subscribe or watch us, we promise we’ll be better! News organizations need to go back to the dominatrix-style relationships of years ago. They need to say, “This is the News, these are the facts, and this is exactly what you need to know. Oh, and fuck safe words as those are for pussies.” That last part was all in quotes because I’m pretty sure I heard Walter Cronkite say those exact words at some point.

So why am I so concerned about GMOs you didn’t ask? Why would I be against keeping crops “natural” and “pesticide-free”? I’ll tell you why. I am against those things because they simply do not exist. First I’d like to discuss term “natural.” Natural is a buzz word with no exact definition. It doesn’t take long in the supermarket to notice that almost all the products you buy anymore have this written on the label. The reason you see it everywhere is because is doesn’t have an exact definition. It is a completely subjective term, and therefore cannot be quantified in any meaningful way. If you think that General Mills suddenly changed your child’s Lucky Charms opting for “natural ingredients” over the “toxic chemicals,” (or whatever fallacious viewpoint you had about them earlier), then strap in because you’re in for a world of disappointment. The point is that like a bachelor’s degree in philosophy, the term “natural” means nothing.

So what about the evil pesticides you ask? What about the crazy mad scientists that are putting fish genes into my tomatoes? My pesticide-free organic un-fishified tomatoes are better for you and more delicious! Don’t get me wrong, I’d be more than happy to concede to any of those things is any of them were true. If evidence existed to show that pesticide levels in our foods were hurting children or robbing us of amazing flavors, I’d happily march in that protest, (in spirit from the comfort of my couch of course, let’s not get crazy). To take the somewhat accurate argument I just put into other people’s mouths one piece at a time, I’ll start with pesticides. First, it is an overwhelming fact that no health issues have ever been linked to the extremely low residual levels of pesticides on our fruits and vegetables. Any pesticides left over on your produce can easily be washed away as well. These pesticides are simply not hurting anyone. I used to think the opposite was true. I used to buy organic produce almost exclusively. However, once I did my research I found out that not only is there no evidence to support the health claims of organic, but farmers use pesticides on organic produce anyway! In fact, they actually use probably MORE pesticides! WHAT??!

Hear me out before you flush my argument down the toilet. Hopefully everyone would agree that it would be physically impossible for any farming to be conducted on a massive scale without the use of pesticides. Just think about for a second. Is it really possible for farmers to go through a whole field of crops? Could one person embark on a non-stop bug-squishing tirade 24 hours a day for months while your cucumbers grow? Do farmers have some magic, non-pesticide liquid to spray onto plants falling victim to a pest you can’t rid the plant of with two fingers? The answer to all of these questions is “No.” The reason almost every major supermarket in our country is able to sell organic produce is because it is being grown on a massive scale. The only way to achieve this is through large-scale farming operations. It is a fact that to achieve the “organic” label from the government, pesticides used on these farms must be “derived from organic sources.” Basically this means that the same chemicals in the artificially created pesticides must be created less-efficiently and less accurately than a laboratory could create them. This means that the pesticides used on organic crops are very similar to those used on traditional crops. The difference is they are less effective due to how they have to be made, which in-turn means that more of them need to be used. You heard me. Not only is it likely, but it is almost a certainty that all of those organic crops have more pesticides used on them than traditionally grown produce. It should also be noted that the only reason that some of the levels of pesticides found on organic produce appear lower than those found on traditional produce is because the tests are looking for very specific pesticides. The pesticides found on organic produce are different enough that traditional tests don’t look for them. This is why doctors have to do multiple blood tests when they’re looking for several different things. Different testing is needed to find things. I realize this blog entry is entirely too long already, and I’ve only scratched the surface with my uncomfortably feminine nails.

So what about the fish genes in my tomatoes? That’s against nature, and God, and my colon can’t handle it! This one is fairly easy to tackle in my opinion. The reason is because anyone with some background in genetics will simply tell you, “too late.” The reason they would tell you this is because basically every living thing on our planet shares some of their genetic code with everything else. This means that your tomato already shares about 40% of its genetic code with fish. Adding one more tiny gene sequence to that tomato may give it the ability to be more cold tolerant. This results in cheaper prices at the market due to less freeze-loss. If you think doing this is going to turn you into a mutant, or a fish, or a fish mutant, well… umm… it’s not. I honestly wouldn’t know how to react because that is a dumb thing to think. Yea, I thought that and I’m an idiot… not really. Yes I did… not.

To try and bring this post back full-circle, this L.A. council ban proposal is clearly coming from a place of severe misinformation. I know I never got around to talking about GMO seeds and Monsanto, and Dr. Evil. I didn’t get into the labeling of GMOs, (which is a deliberate attempt to undermine GMOs and not simply “informing the public as to what they’re eating”). Clearly I could continue on this subject. I could attempt to debunk everything, but I doubt it would help much. I could publish a book on all the fallacious Facebook posts I’ve attempted to debunk over the years, often with the poster leaving frustrated, (but hopefully a tiny bit more educated). I’m certain I will continue to tackle this issue in subsequent blog posts in the future. In the mean time, I’ll leave you with this photo I often think of while pleasuring myself.




TL;DR: Banning gmo’s in any form comes from a place of misinformation and fear, two things I depend on daily to maintain an erection.

STL; DR: GMO corn cobs used as sex toys perform just as well, if not better than non-GMO cobs. Plus they’re cheaper!

IHTASOAN; DR: Nickleback loves organic farming.

measure twice, wipe three times

Everything you see on television is true all of the time. This is despite the fact that everyone fully acknowledges the opposite. You'd be hard-pressed to find someone who doesn't mock the information we get through our TV sets. What I've found is that very rarely do most people remember this, particularly when it comes to views or opinions they agree with. Everything YOU hear on MSNBC is crap yet everything I hear on Fox News is completely true. All of it! This is especially true when it comes to political ads.

Like love, Ohio is a battlefield. I believe that's the lost verse in the song. Even during the mid-term elections, Ohio is bombarded with political ads. The governor's race is happening right now, though it's not much of a race because the democratic challenger took a tumble over the hard-hitting revelation that he didn't have a driver's license for several years. People focused on this ridiculously stupid fact, yet completely forgot the uproar our current governor caused when he tried to revoke the rights of teacher and police unions. Sad thing is, he's still doing it despite getting the public-vote smack-down. That asshole will now stay in office because of a goddamn driver's license. What the hell is happening. Now I have to admit, I often find myself just as susceptible to it all from time to time. I'll see a political ad talking about how big a piece of shit a certain candidate is and my first response is often to believe it. Oh, that candidate is apparently the worst human being on the planet, I certainly won't vote for that big jerkhead! Wait, the Voice audience voted off that clearly talented singer?! Justin Bieber has a sex tape??!

So the whole reason I brought this up was because that only more recently do I have another thought. That thought is to step back and tell myself that these ads are not trustworthy. Despite my minor bash of it the other day, I believe firmly in giving credit where it is due. Every now and then local news does get something right. My former employer did a great story on our local auditor's race, which pointed out how disparaging the ads the incumbent was running against his opponent were. Then in an interview with the incumbent where this was pointed out, we see him for the sizable douche that he is. He acknowledged the inaccuracies, yet stood completely behind the shitty ad. Guess who I'm not voting for? The point is that celebrities rarely have as large a penis as you'd think.

So yesterday I found myself in the ER with my wife. She got poked by a needle at work, (nevermind that both are nicknames for my penis and my sex life). For anyone who has never had to sit in a hospital ER waiting room, you quickly learn what thick, deeply penetrating human depression looks like. The ER waiting room is where happy thoughts and erections go to die, almost permanently. What I found even more sad than the general state of the waiting room, was what was playing on the only television there. My favorite network, Fox News, was tuned in. I almost choked to death on the irony. At least I was in the right place to almost die. I was in a room of people who most-likely weren't insured a couple of years ago. A room full of people ineligible for insurance because of their diabetes, heart conditions, and herpes. This room is representative of a small country whose employers keep them at part-time to avoid having to offer them benefits. I was knocking elbows with a population insured for the first time in years. The tragedy is that at least some of these people use Fox News as their exclusive source for information. The catastrophe is that those people want to repeal the Affordable Care Act because of what Fox News tells them. Worst. Twilight Zone. Episode. Ever.

TL;DR: Political ads are totally true and you should believe them all. In fact, as a general rule you should just believe everything you see on television all of the time. The Flintstones is based on historical fact. Real Sex is based off of the real-life sex lives of your mother and father at age eighty. They are doing it, and it's the hottest thing ever.

STL;DR: Holy shit wheelchairs have gotten huge.

IHTASOAN; DR: I really like jokes about penises.

News-time awesome shows, great job!

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inapropriate humor and vaccines

I sense a bit of pattern-recognition in the force. I feel like I have a knack for it, but in all honesty people in general are good at pattern-recognition. They’re too good at it in fact. Pattern recognition is why many conspiracy theories exist in the world. People see patterns emerging in places where they don’t exist. From the devil’s likeness in the smoke billowing out of the twin towers on 9/11, to the face of Jesus in your slice of toast, to the giant dong you thought you saw in that children’s book. We see patterns, (and dicks), everywhere.

I noticed two patterns today. The first, (and clearly the most important), is that despite only being four posts in, I’m writing a lot about shit I saw on facebook. Posts or comments or whatever from that book of face are already supplying me with a bit more material than it should. Though in my defense, I follow a lot of actual respectable news outlets on facebook. Or course my material isn’t coming from those places, but I digress. So I saw a post with a photo last night from a friend of mine. It was a photo of his Netflix screen where one of the recommendations after he watched “Bloodsport” was “Ernest Saves Christmas.” Despite the number of jokes one might come up with, or how amazingly sad the missed opportunity is of us never getting a Bloodsport / Ernest movie crossover, I held back a comment. Those that know me might think this is a very rare thing, but I honestly hold back quite a bit on facebook. Perhaps it’s my brain fighting with itself to remain slightly tactful on the internet. I may do it to maintain rapports and future relationships. I may do it to keep the chances that a future employer passes me up due to some ridiculously offensive social media post I made at a minimum. What I wanted to say was how Ernest movies are great for finger-banging girlfriends. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. I should have posted it, but changed “girlfriends” to “12-year-olds.”

So moving on to a slightly more important pattern I’m beginning to recognize, this one involves my favorite network, Fox News. Now I take issue with how almost all news is reported today, but Fox News holds a special place in my heart. I decided to talk a bit about this because of something posted again by the Skeptic’s Guide, (something that legitimately holds a special place in me, but less in my heart and more in my balls). The Skeptic’s Guide was giving some credibility to Fox News for a video. The Fox News host asked a few decent questions of a celebrity who admitted to not vaccinating her kid(s). Perhaps I should watch the video again. The host asked a couple decent questions but really didn’t hold her feet to the fire. She asked a few questions, but mostly let that chunky diarrhea spew unimpeded. There was also a comment made about anecdotes that I’m almost certain was lost on their general audience as a whole.

So what’s so impressive about recognizing how Fox News spews diarrhea all over your tv screen you ask? Well that’s not the pattern I see potentially emerging. What I see here is the beginning of a deliberate attempt by Fox News to selectively support causes they see as not threatening to their core values. I see them doing this in an effort to come off as credible to people other than tea-party seniors. The implications of a Fox News who supports vaccines and the science behind them, while denying the science behind evolution and climate change is disturbing to say the least. Sure it’d be great to see support for vaccines and the numbers of those vaccinated rise again, but not like this. At the same time, if the pattern I’m seeing is actually a thing, we’re in big trouble.

It is, of course, way too early to say something like this is actually happening. Two cases of Fox News doing something not completely horrible does not make a pattern, especially considering how Fox News really didn’t do anything noteworthy here. They didn’t take a stand or address the viewer and denounce the anti-vaccination movement like Shep Smith did regarding Ebola coverage. Perhaps that’s because the anti-vaccination movement doesn’t affect anyone’s bottom line, which to me is both an explanation for their lack of stance on the subject yet all the reason to wholeheartedly support it. Then again, it’s fucking Fox News, and deep down they hope you get dick cancer. I think that’s their new slogan. Maybe I should start a facebook petition page for that. To all the Fox News executives who are undoubtedly reading this, you should really change your slogan to the above. Your numbers would triple overnight!

TL;DR: I like offensive humor, and Fox News could get even scarier if they begin to selectively support noble causes.

STL;DR: Fox News comes out on the air as pro-pedophilia, with lubrication tips.

IHTASOAN; DR: Fox News wants to finger-bang your 12-year-old.

Video below, (holy crap I figured out how to embed!):

lemon party

If I had a super power, it would probably be annoying people to the point of exhaustion. There is something about me that makes you want to delete your stupid facebook post. I’ve been told more than once I can be pretty persistent, though I’d prefer to call it “thorough.” Persistent is just a nice way to say I can be annoying as shit. Of course, when you contribute to the spread of ridiculous or horrible information to hundreds of people,  my opinion is that you deserve to get a little annoyed.

I must offer a disclaimer before I begin this story because, (surprise surprise), the person I’m speaking of deleted her Facebook post. Like everybody on the planet, I feel I often have a pretty good memory. The reality is that everyone often has a piss-poor memory. Every time we remember something, we change that memory. The brain isn’t a digital recorder that imprints exactly what it sees exactly the way it actually was. Our memories are plastic, constantly being remolded every time you recall them. Again, I digress.

So a couple weeks ago a facebook friend posted the below graphic.

When I see a graphic like this, I probably incorrectly assume that most people will see this and think, “Wow! That’s amazing! I never knew all this amazing stuff about lemons!” I have to admit, not that long ago I probably would have thought the same thing. I mean if someone took the time to make a graphic with this information surely it must be somewhat credible, right? This isn’t a political post, so no one is motivated to make stuff up or lie to me, etc. I mean, it’s not like the claims the graphic is making about lemons is fantastical, right? Right??!

So immediately upon reading this graphic I contributed my amazing and enlightening comment to the existing discussion. Under comments the likes of, “I do this everyday and it’s great!” and “I need to start doing this.” I added my thoughts. Again, because she deleted the post, I have to paraphrase…myself, if that’s possible. I said something like, “Why don’t they say lemon water will help fight crime and give you superpowers?” I know I said the claims being made were nonsense, because I remember the poster specifically telling me it was “not nonsense.” The only goal I had with that comment was simply to be a voice of reason in the wilderness. To make someone see the graphic for what it is. I didn’t think it was a stretch to point out the bullshit in a graphic that tells me lemons “Cleanses your system cancer”, (which is worded with the beauty and grace of someone who speaks English as a second language), and “helps fight viral infections.” I mean, don’t we put fucking lemons in every glass of crappy restaurant water? You’d think herpes and obesity would have gone the way of scurvy, or leprosy. Those diseases or ailments you rarely hear of anymore because it’s 2014, and we’re not supposed to be stupid.

At any rate, my comment was not received well. In her reply she fed me a personal anecdote about how her nutritionist told her to start doing this, and she definitely feels better after her morning cup of goddamn lemon water, (she didn’t say goddamn, though I wish she had). She freely admitted it hasn’t helped her cut out caffeine because she needs her morning cup of coffee. So basically she just told me that everything the graphic says is true, except the stuff that isn’t. Either way I tried to be courteous and keep it friendly. I told her that she’s a smart person, (probably smarter than me… which I actually did tell her), and that perhaps she lives a smart and healthy lifestyle already and THAT is perhaps why she feels better. I didn’t point out that her nutritionist is not a doctor and probably has zero scientific evidence or studies to back up these claims. In all honesty her nutritionist probably didn’t say lemon water does all of the things the graphic claims it does. Whoever made the graphic took a few liberties that even the website referenced at the bottom doesn’t mention, (mainly the two items I specifically addressed above, though most of the claims are dubious at best). I honestly tried to keep it friendly and threw in some self-deprecational humor to keep it light. Remember, my superpower dictates things will not end well.

So we went back and forth a bit where I attempt to point out the fallacies in the claims. I truly only want evidence to support them, and I hate seeing dumb stuff spread on the internet as fact. I can usually tell when the exchange is coming to an end when the original poster points out they are doing/saying these things on THEIR PAGE. Of course, I have to point out, (because I’m a dick), that it’s in a public forum on the internet, and it showed up on my feed. I ended my last comment with something like, “I’ll show myself out”, both to acknowledge how annoying I know I probably am, and to signify my exit. She then replies with “you can be so exhausting.” My favorite post, though, was written by her husband. The final post to the discussion said, “I don’t know who this Seth guy is, but he sounds like a douche bag.” She deleted the entire post shortly afterward. So I guess that means I… win?

TL;DR version: I hate when people post stupid crap on social media, which means I’ll probably die very soon, and very frustrated.

STL;DR version: Lemon parties are the best kind of parties.

IHTASOAN; DR version: Pseudoscience kills my erection.

No-bola

Lately more and more I have been ignoring popular videos I see linked on facebook. Part of my morning routine for way too long now has been to browse the social media site while coming out of my nightly coma. Most of the stuff I ignore usually follows the same headline structure. If it says anything about a post being “…amazing” or “…you won’t believe what happens!” I scroll on by. Louis C.K. has a great joke about how we go straight to the top shelf with our words today. I’m completely guilty of this, (my default word being “awesome”, which I use to often fill the odd, yet natural voids of conversation). Eddie Izzard has a similar joke about that exact word, awesome. Like a hot dog, I digress.

The latest post I chose to ignore I saw beginning yesterday from Fox News. Normally this would be reason enough for me to move along, and I did. I had all but forgotten about it when this morning I saw it re-posted by a place I consider to be a very trustworthy source, the Skeptics Guide to the Universe. The post is a clip of the Fox News anchor Shep Smith. He is addressing the viewers directly about the recent reporting on Ebola. To be fair the clip is quite good with decent information that the public needs to hear. The media reporting on the issue has not been great, yet has been par for the course in my opinion. I worked at a TV station for over 7 years and have seen my share of sensationalized stories, (practically ALL of them).

Shep Smith seemingly goes out of his way to tell the viewers that the recent Ebola cases are no cause for alarm. He reassures us that there is no outbreak. He says we have zero chance of contracting the illness. I believe these statements, just as I believed them beforehand. The ironic thing here is Fox News is just as culpable as any other news organization for the public’s impression of the Ebola situation. A clip that made the internet rounds a week or two ago was from the show Fox and Friends, where the hosts effectively spread the exact opposite impression. The question that immediately popped in my head was why the change of strategy? Why was Fox News, (who has as their core business strategy the spin of big stories in order to blame the left), suddenly righting their ship? Well, I heard an unstated premise in Shep’s Ebola monologue that may or may not explain, (it totally does).

So I’ll preface this next section by saying that I don’t religiously follow the ups and downs of the financial market. Outside of large news stories, I follow one stock on a pseudo regular basis. The only reason I’ve heard that “all the markets are down” is because a close personal friend has told me this a few times lately. He told me that everyone has a theory as to why the market is down, but mentioned nothing nefarious. Then I heard Shep say it. At around 3:17 in the video he references the “…panic that has tanked the stock market… .” I often try to ask myself about who stands to benefit from a given situation. It’s never the obvious answer. Here, Fox News used to benefit by telling their enraged base that the President or democrats were somehow complicit in the Ebola spread. It seems that now their irresponsible reporting has negatively effected the stock market. They’ve contributed to a mild state of panic that is apparently affecting consumer confidence resulting in the downturn of the market.

To me, this isn’t as depressing as it should be. I’d love nothing more than to believe the simple explanation that Fox News’ moral compass actually kicked into gear and they did some responsible reporting for once. I suppose it’s not that depressing to me because I couldn’t give two shits what Fox News reports. I recognize, though, that many people do. To me, the tragedy that is Fox News, (and many news outlets for that matter), is that they have such a great opportunity to disseminate real news to people but choose to waste that opportunity on fear-mongering and bullshit. Oh well, what else is new.

Again, I could be completely wrong. I listen to Penn Jillette’s podcast, Penn’s Sunday School, and he prefaces practically everything he says with how pretty much everything you hear on his podcast is probably wrong. I won’t go quite that far. What I may do is spend the day walking around public places randomly sneezing and cough in people’s mouths.

TL;DR version: I don’t believe for a second that Fox News suddenly developed a conscious regarding the Ebola coverage. What they did realize is their idiotic reporting has negatively effected the stock market and is losing their owners money.

S(still)TL;DR version: Fox News is the discarded foreskin of the news industry.

IHTASOAN; DR (I have the attention span of a nat; didn’t read) version: Fox News BURP, VOMIT.

(see link below… until I figure out how to embed)
http://youtu.be/Z2KBfynW09I?t=3m17s

the snoozing cat

Today is the first blog post. I have no idea what the blog is going to be about or what I have to say, which I think sums up the current state of things quite well. Everyone has a blog right now. Even your grandma has a blog. Of course 98% of what I’m talking about comes in the form of facebook, instagram, and twitter. Despite their names and formats, they are all blogs. Blogs of all shapes and sizes and types. Some a little more tolerable than others. The one thing almost all of them have in common is the focus, which is essentially “me, me me.” Look at what I’m doing, or what I like. Listen to what I think on this particular subject even though I’m often heavily undereducated on it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this is a bad thing, (of course it’s not a great thing either). We like to talk about ourselves. It is part of our very nature to be selfish. Being selfish is a trait that probably aided in our ancestor’s very survival. Of course altruism was just as important. It used to be a balance. Be selfish enough to ensure the survival of my genes, yet altruistic enough to ensure my whole flock, group, pack, tribe doesn’t die off. Of course this kind of survival isn’t an issue today. We don’t need to worry about the survival of our species anymore. Instead we can now turn our focus to show people our desserts, vacations, and dick pics. Look how amazing, exotic, or huge my shit is!

Anyway, getting back to the subject of this blog, (or lack there-of), I suppose I’ll just have to see where it goes and what it might become. It might turn out to be a little bit of everything. I could end up writing a lot about nothing, (more likely the case). One thing I will try to do is keep the blog about stuff, (whatever that may be), and not about me. I don’t really give a shit about what you ate or how much you worked out today, unless you legitimately ate 200 hot dogs and crab-walked 100 miles, (more impressive if concurrently, I would seriously want to hear all about that). Of course like any blog I suppose it will be a lot about the world through my eyes. I suppose that means it will be pretty skeptical, (probably not the definition of “skeptic” you think), political at times, and just plain weird. I’ve been told on occasion I lean that way. It might also contain a dick pic or two, it depends on how lucky you are.

 I suppose that’s the first post. Pretty underwhelming and unfulfilling if that’s a word, (not according to tumblr). Maybe that’s the idea. On that note I’ll conclude this first post. Thanks for reading, passing judgement, whatever. Cheers.

#keeptwerking